I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
