This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
