she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize