First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
