just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
