There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
