I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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