I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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