He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
