Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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