you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
