I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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