seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I deserve this hangover.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
