i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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