You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
