no, he came in my armpit
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
