i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
