he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i dont even know how to be here
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
