Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
