is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
