and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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