Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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