I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
