they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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