last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
