Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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