Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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