??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Non-Jews are for practice
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sorry my hands just texted you
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
