When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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