i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
