i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
