She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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