We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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