Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
