I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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