she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
