I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
