Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
