Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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