I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
