I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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