i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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