he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
