Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
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i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
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Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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