Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
