Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
