Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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