My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
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What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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