Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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