just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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