cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's blow job season.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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