she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
