You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
