hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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