1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
