Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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