Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
