I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you had me at cake vodka
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
